Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Weeds Find a Way

“I wish I could tell you how lonely I am. How cold and harsh it is here. Everywhere there is conflict and unkindness. I think God has forsaken this place. I believe I have seen hell and it's white, it's snow-white.”
Elizabeth Gaskell, North and South    

I just do not understand life.  If you try hard, very hard, you should succeed.  If you love.  And I mean love a lot, you should be loved back.  If you want something, want something so badly you get shooting pains up and down your arms, you should have it.  If you are kind and giving, people should be kind and giving back to you. If you are good, good things should happen. 

“The prince is never going to come. Everyone knows that; and maybe sleeping beauty's dead.”
Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat

The problem is, that is not how it is.  In fact, sometimes it seems as if the world turns in the exact opposite direction.  And guess what?  It hurts, and it is hard.

“I need to be alone. I need to ponder my shame and my despair in seclusion; I need the sunshine and the paving stones of the streets without companions, without conversation, face to face with myself, with only the music of my heart for company.”
Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer     

Unfortunately I do not have the time to be alone and right now a vacation with my husband, even just a few days, sounds more glorious than being alone anyway.  You get the idea though.  A chance to catch my breath, a chance to regroup and you know what?  Chris could use it too.  Right now it feels like the hits just keep on coming.  We are trying.  We are trying to keep our heads up, trying so hard to stay positive.  But it is so hard to watch her vomit over and over again after feeling so good for a few weeks, or watch the pustules pop up everywhere after not seeing any, or see Chris and Nettie start to feel the affects of the stress.  We are trying.  Years of this gets exhausting.  Then there is the rest of life.  As long as this goes on, the rest of life becomes more and more heavy.

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”
Mahatma Gandhi

...they always fall.  I will remember.  Ghandi said so.  I am choosing to believe it is true.  I have no choice. 

I love you Chris.  We will get through all of this, together. 



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